Sex & Calories

Ok, we know you have always wanted to know just how many calories you can lose having sex. Here is a tongue in cheek look at the amount of calories you can burn during sex, sexual activities, foreplay and uh some other activities involving sex.

You can also use our calorie calculator to count how many calories are burned during other activities.

Possible Side Effects of Good Sex

The first indication that sex was a positive experience will be a buzzing in the pelvic area and a clear complexion. If sex was really terrific, you feel dangerously drained, as though your body had been connected to a large milking machine for several days...

Swooning = 6 calories
Palpitations = 10 calories
Shortness of breath = 5 calories
Perspiring = 8 calories

Possible Side Effects of Bad Sex
A less=than=sunny desposition = 1 calorie

Recovering from sex
Un entwining = 3 calories
Regaining motor control of pevis (After especially tiring sex, you may feel numb from below the waist to the opposite wall. The result will be an inability to walk [put one foot in front of the other], which will seriously impair your chances of going to the bathroom or getting some juice.) = 7 calories
Standing up = 9 calories
Getting some juice = 11 calories

Calories burned After sexual intercourse
(Classic behavior for shiftiness men who believe they’ve done their job and are now entilted to a rest. This “rest” may include snoring.) = 18 calories

During intercourse
(Women find this to be a subtle, yet direct way of suggesting dissatisfaction.) = 32 calories
During foreplay (Indicates either an advance case of fatigue or a serious lack of interest.) = 12 calories
Avoiding the wet spot = 80 calories

Trying Again
If the woman is ready = 5 calories
If the man is not = 156 calories

The Act of Insertion
Man is ready (same vice versa) = 1/4 calories
If the woman is not ready for sex (same vice versa) = 274 calories

Satisfying Partner Sexually (penis size)
Most experts agree that penis size means nothing. In those rare instances where a man has a small member, he may have to compensate by working slightly harder. whereas a man with a really large organ might not have to work as hard.

Normal size penis = 22 calories
Oversize = 15 calories
Tremendous = 8 calories
Teensy weensy = 163 calories

Multiple Orgasms

For women:
2 = 14 calories
5 = 30 calories
8 = 47 calories
(Depending her rate of recovery a woman can enjoy around 8 orgasms within an hour period without losing consciousness or disarranging her hair. As the number increases she may begin to experience a form of “reduced sanity” that will temporarily interfere with her ability to make the beds and cook supper.)

For Men:
2 = 21 calories
3 = 39 calories
4 = 57 calories
(Many men can enjoy up to 4 orgasms in an hour with little discomfort except for the slight ringing in the ears. However, a man who tries to achieve more than 10 orgasms within that same period is flirting with irreversible brain damage.)

Special Orgasms
Clitoral. = 15 calories
Vaginal = 21 calories
Penile = 21 calories
Scrotile = 15 calories
Rectal = 25 calories
Oral (can also occur during an especially good meal) = 30 calories

Sex Related Noises
Short gasps (per gasp) = 3 calories
Wheezing = 5 calories
Squeals = 4 calories
Ecstatic moaning = 11 calories
Low growling = 8 calories Squishing = 10 calories
Shouting = 16 calories
Screaming = 18 calories
Urgent begging = 22 calories
Any short speech giving partner directions (”Please don’t stop,” “Faster,” “Just a little more”.) = 25 calories

Calories Burned in Various Sex Positions
Man on top, woman on bottom = 20 calories
Woman on top, man on bottom (Many women find that this position affords a better view of the clock.) = 25 calories
From the rear = 40 1/2 calories
Standing Both partners of equal height = 18 calories
Standing Woman 1 foot taller than a man = 90 calories

Sex Locations
On a bar stool = 20 calories
Rear of a car = 38 calories
In a phone booth, standing = 14 calories
In a phone booth, lying down = 274 calories
On an airliner, aisle seat = 24 calories
On an airliner, middle seat = 42 calories
On an airliner, window seat = 30 calories
On an airliner, in the lavatory = 100 calories

Calories Burned Having Orgasm
Real = 27 calories
Faked = 160 calories

Orgasmic Intensity Scale
Expression didn’t change = 1/2 calorie
Face turned purple = 15 calories
Orchestra swelled = 6 calories
Magical explosions = 10 calories
Blazing Sheets = 25 calories
Earth moved = 30 calories
Vesuvius erupted = 47 calories
You began moaning in Latin = 60 calories

Pulling Out
After orgasm = 1/4 calorie
A few moments before orgasm = 500 calories

Possible Side Effects of Intercourse
Bouncing = 7 calories
Sliding around = 9 calories
Serious Skidding = 12 calories Full cartwheel = 20 calories
Whiplash = 27 calories
Knee burn = 6 calories
Chafed elbows = 5 calories
Chafed nose = 11 calories

Approaching Sexual Orgasm
Letting go = 5.5 calories
Controlling yourself =79 calories
Digging nails into your partner’s back = 11 calories
Trembling = 15 calories
Shaking = 20 calories
Shuddering = 25 calories
Trying to keep eyes open = 33 calories

Premature Ejaculation
During insertion = 2 calories
During intercourse (Approximately. 2 sec’s or 3 thrusts after insertion, whichever comes first.) = 5 calories
During foreplay = 3 calories
Immature ejaculation (Similar to premature ejaculation except male acts childish and throws a tantrum.) = 4 calories

For Women
Frustration = 8 calories
Anger = 15 calories
Violent mood swing = 20 calories
Surpressing rage = 25 calories
Not surpressing anger (In extreme cases, this can include cursing, nose tweaks, and gently massaging partner’s head with a tire iron.) = 65 calories

For Men:
Cursing = 10 calories
Apologising = 3 calories
Snivelling = 5 calories
Pleading for mercy = 8 calories
Begging for another chance (Note how unfair: Men never seem to mind if a woman has an orgasm after 3 seconds of sex.) = 15 calories

Regular dream = 2 calories
Wet Dream
Add 5 calories if it occurs while in bed with your partner;
Add 20 calories if your partner notices 16 calories
Wet Trance (Usually occurs in the presence of a sensual hypnotist.) = 20 calories

Group SexIntroducing yourself = 3 calories
Overcoming shyness = 8 calories
Swapping partners, willingly = 4 calories
Swapping partners, unwillingly = 62 calories
Jealousy (Partner having more fun than you are) = 16 calories
Mixed doubles = 26 calories
Being nice to everyone = 100 calories
Anger (You suddenly realize that you’re wanted for you body and not your mind. Difficult to cope with, especially if you have a Ph.D.) = 10 calories
Finding your clothes = 5 calories

Typical Sex Related Fears
Partner hates me for what I did = 4 calories
Partner hates me for what I didn’t do = 8 calories
Forgetting the instructions in the sex manual =10 calories
Climaxing too soon = 5 calories
Climaxing too late = 6 calories
Not climaxing = 20 calories
Partner thinks of me as a sex object = 9 calories
Partner doesn’t think of me as a sex object = 47 calories
Partner will neglect to adminster last rites should I not recover from orgasm = 88 calories

Personal Fears
Gigantic cellulite that shake and ripple during orgasm = 6 calories
Stretch marks that look like a plowed field = 8 calories
Penis envy = 72 calories

For pleasure only = 6 calories
For exercise, too = 10 calories
For relief from tension = 12 calories
To pass the time = 7 calories
To avoid overeating = 16 calories
To get in touch with inner self = 10 calories
To get in touch with outter self =10.5 calories
To avoid insanity = 24 calories
To avoid spending money on a date (In addition to being a viable alternative to television, shopping, and binges, masturbation is a quick and inexpensive way to get warm.) = 9 calories
Using your hand(s) = 11 calories
Using your finger(s) = 9 calories
Using tweezers = 2 calories
Using an inflatable doll = 24 calories
Using Any fruit or vegetable (Except watermelon or a sprig of parsley) = 19 calories
Using a vibrator, hand=operated =12 calories
Using a vibrator, windup = 9 calories
Using a vibrator, electric = 5 calories Using anything not mentioned here = 50 calories
In a pornographic movie theater = purchasing the ticket = 2.5 calories
In a pornographic movie theater = finding isolated seat = 78 calories
In a pornographic movie theater = adjusting raincoat = 3 calories

Getting Caught
By partner’s spouse = 60 calories
By your spouse = 60.5 calories
Trying to explain = 165 calories
Stuttering = 28 calories
Throwing up (Calorie counts here are flexible, depending on type of spouse=whether understanding and open=minded, or narrow=minded and armed) = 40 calories

Almost Getting Caught
Trying to remain calm = 100 calories
Fright (includes trembling) = 66 calories
Leaping out of bed = 25 calories
Getting dressed in one large motion = 300 calories
Thanking partner quickly = 2 calories
Jumping out of window add 5 calories if window wasn’t open = 15 calories
Landing = 1 calorie
Running very fast = 50 calories

If you have an aphrodisiac you may burn even more calories! What is an Aphrodisiac

Seriously though it has been estimated that having sex for a half hour burns approximately 150 to 200 calories and sometimes maybe as high as 350 calories if you are really active in bed.

The calories burned during sex is roughly the equivalent of fast walking, jogging, or weight lifting for around thirty minutes.


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